Over the last couple of months I have noticed that as much as I advocate for mental health.. I do not advocate for my own. I often find myself struggling but putting that struggle aside to help everyone else around me. I don’t blame anyone but myself for this because unless I make it known, you wouldn’t know. I have gotten really good at hiding my struggles over the years and it’s to the point now where even people who are around me on a regular basis can’t tell unless I am vocal about it.
The last about 9 months have been rough for me.. It started back in September when we decided to move forward with selling our house and it progressively got worse up until we closed in April. I thought that once that whole ordeal was over I would just get better… I was wrong. It went from selling the house stress to the overwhelm that came with unpacking the new house. I am so thankful for where we are and that everything worked out but my mental health has been pure trash because of it. I am still in a funk and can’t seem to get out of it.
I teeter between anxiety and depression and it is hard to balance it all out. A huge mess overwhelms me and causes INTENSE anxiety, but on the other hand sometimes I can’t bring myself to overtake the mess. This does nothing but allow my depression to flood in and then I am stuck – or I feel like I am. I hate using that word – stuck – but that’s honestly what it feels like. Like the room is filling with water but there’s no way out. You’re stuck.
Sometimes I want to lock myself in a room and just stay there the whole day. Other days I can’t get out of the house fast enough. There isn’t much of a middle ground, if I am being honest but I try my hardest to put on my brave face for my kids just to push through the day. It makes it worse for me at the end of the day, but mom guilt is a piece of shit and if I let them see me like that every time I feel down or anxious, I feel like complete shit. It’s a never ending battle that I absolutely fucking hate.
I know the logical thing to do would be to vocalize when I am having a bad day or let other’s help but then I feel guilty.
The part that hurts me the most, though, is knowing that my anxiety shows itself in frustration and anger. And it shows its ass to anyone, at any time. That’s not the mom, wife, or friend I want to be. That’s not the mom, wife, or friend my kids, husband, or friends deserve. But it’s me.
I think the first thing that I need to do is start being honest with myself and the rest will eventually fall into place. I need to stop telling myself “It will be okay” when I know, for a fact, that it won’t be. I need to give myself grace when it comes to my mental health and stop holding back when I don’t have the mental capacity to do something or whatever else is being asked of me. Being honest with myself will also allow me to be more honest with those around me.
If you’ve made it this far.. thank you for taking the time to read my late night thoughts about my mental health. As always every view is very much appreciated.
Until next time..
Xoxo
lena ralene 