This won’t be like my last open letter to my “dad” (you can read that here) because that was written to the guy that I thought was my dad, who I carried the last name of until I got married, and the one who signed his rights over but can’t give me a reason why.
This letter is to my biological father aka sperm donor – who I have never interacted with and quite honestly don’t know who it is.
Please bear with me as I take you through my emotional thoughts that have been consuming me for a while. I have been contemplating sharing this for a while and have been adding to this letter for quite some time, waiting until I was finished with my thoughts and knew I was ready to share with the world this vulnerable side of me.
Dear whoever you may be…
I’ve gone my whole life wondering who you are, wondering if I would ever know what happened – why you couldn’t be bothered to be a part of the life of the child you created. I may never know but I do deserve to know.
I’ve also wondered not only what your name is, because at the end of that day that is not what matters, but about your personality – do I get any of my quirks from you? What about your health? What do you and your family carry genetically that I should be concerned about for not only myself but my three daughters, as well. Do I have other siblings? Nieces/nephews?
Thirty-four years later I don’t need to meet anyone to have closure. I don’t worry about meeting you or your family. I worry about the issues that, as a mother, always consume me. The health history. I went through three pregnancies where I couldn’t answer the question “what is the health history of your father and his side?” because I didn’t know. That was embarrassing but I got through it. I don’t need to know for that purpose anymore. I need to know because it matters. To me, to my kids, to my husband. I know there’s diabetes, various cancers, and other health issues on my mom’s side and I know that those are things I need to be prepared for in my own health or my daughter’s health. I deserve to know the health issues from your side too.
I’ve thought about doing an ancestry test through 23 & Me or one of the others, but what if no one from your family has done one and I am still left with no answers. That’s one of the scariest parts of this. The unknowns, the possible rejection. This is probably the route I will end up going because I don’t know that I will get answers anywhere else.
I would love to know your reasoning for not being there, for not taking responsibility. I’d also love to know how you can live your life without being a part of your child’s life. This never bothered me before I had my own kids. I didn’t understand the BOND that parents have (or SHOULD have) with their kids. I’ve been a mom for fifteen years and while there have been moments where I didn’t think I was enough for them I NEVER walked away. I NEVER gave up on them.
I’ve already been through the hardest part of this – realizing that whatever reason you haven’t been here is NOT MY FAULT and that I, as a child, could not have done a single thing to make you change your mind.
Ignoring a responsibility doesn’t make it go away. Your responsibility is now an adult, parent, wife.. and doesn’t need you anymore. You can come out of hiding now. I don’t need money. I don’t need FaceTime calls. I don’t need to spend time with you.
I just need answers to the questions I’ve asked here. And while I know there’s a very low chance you’ll ever see this.. I needed to write it. It’s been weighing on my mental health for a while now and I needed to get it out, let it go.
A daughter who deserves to know…