A brain dump, of sorts.

I’m sitting here attempting to work on some of my assignments before we leave for a weeks vacation but my head is overwhelmed with thoughts of everything else.

I am drowning in life right now and it is hard to focus on anything else. I have spent quite a bit of time struggling with a lot of things and have quietly fought them myself. Part of my coping and navigating through my mental health has always been to write about it, so I am attempting a type of blog I have never done before. A brain dump, of sorts. I don’t know if this will make sense or if it will help but talking about it and letting others know that they aren’t alone in their thoughts is something that I have always stood for.. so let’s go.

First and foremost, school. I don’t know why this semester has been so overwhelming when nothing has really changed from previous semesters. I am taking the same amount of classes and the workload isn’t much different than I am used to. All of my classes are online so a lot of my workload is reading the textbooks and watching lecture videos. We have them every week and our assignments correlate with them. There has just been a lot of negative emotions brought on about school lately. I won’t give up. I will keep pushing through. I won’t let it consume me.

Another thing is motherhood. Mothering through this pandemic has been hard. So so hard. So many differences that we have to adjust to and it’s not fair to myself or my kids. This is not what I pictured their summer to look like but unfortunately this is the hand we have been dealt and we have to do our best to make the best of it.

On top of that I am beginning a new chapter in motherhood soon, and it is hitting me hard. My oldest, Autumn, will be a teenager in October and I am in tears thinking about how fast the last 13 years have gone. From a young, naive mother to trying to successfully navigate this new chapter. We butt heads a lot. There is a lot of eye rolling and slamming doors. Something my momma heart wasn’t ready to tackle. It is hard living through this when I want nothing more than to have an amazing bond with her and rationally I know that this is just what teenagers do and how they act.. but irrational thoughts are telling me differently. Dealing with mental health disorders while being a mom fucking sucks. And I will NEVER put that lightly.

Grief. This past year I have been hit hard with the loss of my grandpa. I have no idea why. He’s been gone for 20 years as of December. It hit me hard and never left. I have had so many good years of dealing with it and now, all of a sudden, it is smacking me in the face harder than ever before. Part of me wonders if it is because we are going to Ohio next week or what. I haven’t been up there in two years so maybe going this summer brought it back. Idk. It has made my days hard and my nights harder, though. I don’t know how to walk through this stage of my grief. Never would I have imagined that 20 years later this would be such a struggle for me, but here we are.

Family. As most of you know my biological dad is not a part of my life, his choice not mine. He has poked his head in a couple of times but I have kept it pretty minimal with him. Due to his lack of love, support, and everything else over the years I have issues.. what some would call daddy issues *eye roll*.. pertaining to the thought process of fathers in general. What I mean by that is.. since he left I always associate men in my life with leaving. I always have and unfortunately probably always will. Again, the whole irrational thing. If you have anxiety.. you get it. I have had several dreams of men in my life leaving lately. I wouldn’t even call them dreams, because they seem so real that I have woke up crying once or twice. I hate what my anxiety does to me but I know it stems from not having a dad growing up and losing my only father figure at a very young age.

Mental health. Holy shit. My mental health has been complete fucking trash lately. My anxiety has been off the charts. Some days I feel depression trying to sneak it’s way back in. I wish there was a switch so that I could just turn it off for good. I don’t want to live like this. No one should have to. Unfortunately, this is the hand I have been dealt so I need to make the best of it. It’s just hard a lot of the time. So bear with me.

All of these thoughts that are causing me to drown are things that I can move past and become a better version of myself. I know that if I work diligently to push through these negative, anxious moments in my life I can come out a stronger person. I often times struggle with that part, though. Dealing with post-partum anxiety after having Elyssandra has made things so much harder for me. I was on medication for a year and then weaned off of it. I can say that I have had far less bad days than I did prior to weaning but I can’t say that I am completely better. Struggling silently with these things has not made this any better and I know that I shouldn’t struggle silently because I do have people that will listen to me vent, help me through them, etc. but sometimes (okay, almost always) my irrational thoughts tell me that I am overreacting or will come off annoying and no one will even care. Time and time again my husband and friends tell me “Come to me, I’ll listen and help” and time and time again I don’t reach out for help. This is something that I need to get better at. I need to be okay with asking for help. I need to understand that it doesn’t make me weak. I need to understand that it doesn’t make me a bad mom or wife or person. I need to remember that my anxiety doesn’t define me.

If you have made it this far, thank you. I am famous for telling people “Message me if you need to talk, vent, work through frustrations/mental health issues” but not following my own advice. Let’s work on that together.

Xoxo.