I started out this quarantine/pandemic thinking that this would be the perfect way for me to hide out, not have to deal with people, and focus on my own self for a change.
I had so many plans for what I wanted to do, books I wanted to read, DIY projects for me to do.. I had made many different lists and added to them every time I thought of something new. At first crossing things off was no big deal, I was loving the extra time to myself. Crossing things off my lists made me feel a sense of accomplishment as I had been having a rough time before this all started.
Let’s fast forward a week into the quarantine. We are now under a stay-at-home order that will last until the end of April (but would be extended through the end of May). Only essential workers were able to work and being that I work in retail this wasn’t my time to shine. I was given time off with pay, thankfully.
I was excited to go into this SAH order with an open mind and like I said earlier focus on myself for a change. I always worry about everyone else and how they are doing or what they need. Always pushing myself to the back burner.
As the days went on I slowly slipped into what I can only describe as a depressive blur. I no longer had the motivation or determination to cross things off my list, I was sleeping a lot, I was closing myself off from family and friends. There were days where I didn’t pick up my phone because I had no desire to talk to anyone.
What, at first, had seemed like the perfect opportunity for me being that I am a homebody and don’t go out with friends often to begin with.. had turned into me not seeing a point in living anymore. Slowly my phone stopped buzzing, text messages stop coming in, phone calls stopped.. I kept thinking “No one is checking in on me so what makes me think I am even wanted here?”
I don’t have kids or a significant other so I didn’t see a reason for me to keep fighting this depression that had suck it’s way back into my life after not being a problem for so long.
I went to bed one night hoping that I wouldn’t wake up the next morning.
Since I am here today writing this I obviously woke up. That night I had the weirdest dream and it woke me up. It was a smack in the face, to say the least. Someone was trying to tell me something, that I was very much wanted and needed here and that they would not be better off without me.
I forgot all of the things that I had learned in therapy and counseling. I did not care to remember that this is not me wanting this stuff to happen, it’s the depression speaking.
I don’t know why I dreamed what I did (I’m not ready to speak on this yet, but just know that it was very real feeling and very raw) and I don’t know why I dreamed it that night. However, I am glad that the dream took place when it did.
We are still under a SAH order and I am not sure when it will end. I am so very thankful for the essential workers that are out there saving lives through this and putting their lives on the line.
I am so very thankful for the counseling sessions that I have been able to have over the phone, or through Zoom since the night I had that dream.
I am okay. I will get through this. I am back to crossing things off my list. I will not let this pandemic kill my vibe.
Please do not hesitate to reach out to someone if you ever have feelings that can be associated with depression, anxiety, etc. Even though we are all under a SAH order, there are options to speak to someone.
Thank you for reading. We are not alone.
lena ralene 