F E A R – Guest Post

***trigger warning***

The author of this piece asked to be kept anonymous but without further ado, let’s talk about fear.

Fear is what keeps us alive everyday. Let me elaborate for you. Have you ever been so scared that your heart races, you’re breathing heavily, and your nerves feel like they’re electricuting you? That’s fear. It’s not necessarily an emotion or feeling but then again it is because it’s the fear of something that holds us back from doing, saying, or trying. Do me a favor think of a fear you have whether it be spiders, clowns, water, swimming, or heights. Whatever your fear is think about it for me, really hard…..

Now do you feel that? That rush of adrenaline that’s making your heart race, making your breathing heavy, and making your mind seize up because you feel like if you go towards it you will die. The feeling of our own selves holding us back from the inevitable. That’s what keeps us alive. Fear.

When you feel no fear you become a very dangerous person.

It’s not because you’re not afraid of anything or you’re tough. When you hit the point of feeling no fear you become like a loaded revolver, not knowing which rounds are live.

I personally know the feeling of having no fear. After the events that have destroyed my mind and my life I feel nothing. And death no longer scares me. To me death is just another adventure waiting to happen. When you experience life without fear nothing matters to you anymore – your job, your house, kids, family.. nothing.

When I tell you there’s been some nights that I’ve grabbed one of my random guns (not knowing if it’s loaded or not ) put it in my mouth and repeatedly pulled the trigger waiting for something to happen. It’s not because I’m suicidal or anything. It’s because when things happen around you and it makes you hurt so much and makes your mind go to places you never thought possible you don’t know where to go. You try and talk to your friends and your family and they don’t get it and they never will. They try and keep you positive but all you hear are negative things. They say your life matters and you deserve to be happy but all your mind hears is “why am I here anyways and happy?” What’s that. The hole you’re in, no matter what the situation, will always be dark.

Just don’t lose fear.

In my life currently I have 3 wonderful children that I should be proud of and they should be my reason to live but would you judge me if I said it doesn’t matter? I love my kids to death but I don’t fear for them because I know no matter what happens they will wake up the next day happy and taken care of. There’s been times that I’ve taken pills just to see what would happen but how many is too many? When you wake up after a blackout on your kitchen floor with blood dripping from your nose and ears.. Is that enough or can I go further?

Have you ever heard the term curiosity killed the cat?

Without fear you become the cat.

In my current state I have no fear and honestly I don’t know how to get that feeling back. But it doesn’t matter to me. So don’t ever hit the point of having no fear, trust me. If you like the feeling of what your kids bring or the feeling of a big paycheck, keep being afraid. You should always conquer fear but there’s a big difference between conquering it and losing it completely.

I just wish I would have conquered it before I lost it.

Now, remember.. this is a real person’s experience with their life in the current moment so I don’t want any negative or rude comments.

If you, or anyone you know, have had or are having suicidal incidents or thoughts please reach out or give them resources.