An Open Letter to My Abuser

I want to begin this post by saying that I’m not looking for pity or heartfelt words by posting this. I’m genuinely okay with this time of my life. I’m no longer ashamed or blaming myself for what happened. It still sucks so very much but I know it’s not MY fault this happened and I know I have no reason to be ashamed. I know I’m not alone. I’ve come a very long way in the last three years since I originally typed this up and what was once a way for me to close a chapter of my life is now me being okay with that chapter being closed and a part of my book. I appreciate any and all of my readers and if you feel anyone could use this post to help them by all means share it. If I can help one person with this I’m happy!

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Abuse is defined as treating a person (or animal) with cruelty or violence, especially regularly or repeatedly. Throughout the course of this relationship I endured mental, emotion, verbal, and sexual abuse. I will not be going into much detail as to what went on but reading this will allow you to get a feel of it. Thanks in advance for reading and if you or anyone you know is suffering this please give them the resources to get help.

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Never in my life could I imagine the disgusting nightmare that I would go through or that any of this would happen to me. Over the course of this year and a half long relationship the different experiences I went through have scarred me for life, still ruining parts of me 16 years later. -deep breaths- This is going to be a hard post for me to write as I have never expressed my feelings towards this matter publicly, outside of the few people I’ve spoke with about it. But here goes..

Dear B,

I remember that first time we met like it was yesterday. I was 13, had just moved back into town, and was hanging out with a few friends. You came up, introduced yourself, and told me you thought I was cute. Turns out you lived diagonally across the road from where I was staying. Looking back I now know why you came up to me when you did; you knew I was in a dark place and that by telling me what I wanted to hear you would benefit. Somehow you knew. I had not told anyone what I had gone through.

Our first kiss was not long after we met. This relationship seemed to be in overdrive and unbeknownst to me that is how you had planned it all along. You had set up a plan and I was your experiment. You stood in front of me and told me you loved me. I should have known something was up since it was so early in our relationship. It’s funny (now) how I thought what we had was love. I still had no reason to think otherwise, though. You promised me the world.

At thirteen I had no idea what a relationship consisted of; the only examples I had were the relationships around me that either weren’t spoken about publicly or unhealthy in their own ways. You knew that because of this you would be able to mold me into whatever you wanted by controlling my every move. You knew I was vulnerable and you used that to your advantage. I often question what I did to deserve that then I realize that I am not the one at fault here, you are.

When you spoke to me in a demeaning tone I thought that’s how it was supposed to be. When you called me a slut I thought it was okay. When you got pissed that I said no to sex and punched the wall directly to the left of my head I didn’t know that isn’t how love is. After that night I never said no again, though. I was too afraid of what would happen if I did not obey you. Would it be my face you smashed the next time? Who knows but I damn sure did not want to find out.

Day after day I gave in to your every need. Day after day I cried internally as we had sex. Day after day I slipped further away from who I was. 

I lost numerous friends because of you. I was told who I could and could not hang out with, what I could and could not wear.. All while you did God knows what. But I never knew how wrong and sick this behavior was until it was too late.

You always told me I was worthless to everyone but you, that no matter what no one would ever love me like you did, and that I was lucky to have you in my life. One time you even said my grandpa had sent you as a blessing.

I had no idea that one day I would look back and be disgusted, that I would still be dealing with these images sixteen years later, or that your words would haunt me.  The emotional, mental, sexual, and verbal abuse I was victim of every single day killed the person I was. It changed me.

I can honestly say that I hate you. You ruined me.. And not just back then. It has been an ongoing struggle that I’ve fought for sixteen fucking years. Those last words you spoke to me when I cut things off still haunt me. “No one will ever love the piece of shit person you’ve become. No one will love you like I did. No. One.” 

It sickens me that after all these years I am still struggling with this shit. Day in and day out. My kids deserve the happy go lucky person I used to be. My husband deserves the caring, loving person I used to be.

I hate that, even after all these years, you are STILL controlling me. I hate it. I fucking hate it. 

I always used to wonder why me? What was wrong with me? Knowing what I do now I can answer these. It was never about me it was about you. YOU have issues deeper than I can even begin to explain. YOU took advantage of my vulnerability and young age. YOU ruined me. I still do not know why you chose me, other than my vulnerability, but I no longer worry about that.

Because of this nightmare that I was forced to live I have realized exactly what love is not about. Love does not show anger, love does not show hatred, love does not control. Love is a beautiful commitment between two people. It is happy. It is healthy.

Because of you I was able to weed out the scumbags and find someone that was worthy of my time, love, and effort. For that I thank you.

In order to fully move on from what has happened in my past I need to be able to forgive you. I am writing this in hopes that getting my feelings and emotions off my chest will allow me to do so.

I forgive you. But I will never forget what a sick, disgusting, perverted person you are.

Sincerely,

The Girl You Fucked Up